This journal is now friends only. If you're seeing this post, it's because you are not my friend yet. How can this be!? Shame on you!

If ya wanna read my journal, add me and comment... then I'm sure I'll more than likely add you to my list of victims friends. Unless you're scary and make me feel all sorts of not good things inside. Then I'll poke you until you go away.

So? What will it be?

So I got tired of the last one I posted for now. So here's a new work in progress... I'll work more on it tomorrow. Time for bed.

( Piccie )

Heh... seeing DBear tomorrow for exercise. I knew the whole "no visits for a month" wouldn't last. (Well, okay, I didn't... hence the freaking out before. But who cares? I get to see DBear!)

So, yeah, apparently neither of us could do the whole "We-will-not-see-each-other-for-a-month" thing without going nuts. So I guess we're doing a "We-will-not-see-each-other-except-for-a-day-here-and-there-for-a-month" instead. So far, we're averaging about a day a week, week and a half. But there's no spending the nights together, and the visits only last for a few hours instead of the whole day. So it's still extremely toned down. I'm glad we've decided not to cut out the visits completely, though, because it felt more like a punishment to us than a way to fix things.

We've discovered that we have a problem with distracting each other from things that need to be done. Hopefully, by restricting the time we have physically together for a while, it will help us regain focus. I mean, in just a week I have already gotten a job, and he's made progress on cleaning his apartment (which he'd been meaning to do since he moved in... last October) and even reached his 1st goal weight, which he'd been struggling with.

I know I was all boo-hooey before about this, and I still get antsy sometimes since I'm used to spending anywhere between 3 to 7 days per week with him... but I'm starting to see a bright side. Sure, I miss him, but it IS nice to have a little more time to myself. And I'm not so easily distracted from things that need to get done. Even so, I'll be happy when things are back to normal. (Or, should I say, better than normal... 'cause this whole thing is to help make things better than they were, after all.)

Dbear had his phone interview. Wasn't quite what he was expecting. (I mean, they want him to give up his job here and move back up to CT just to do a short-term project he's not even specialized in... after which they may or may not keep him for the job he was originally intended to be hired for.) So, yes, very disappointing. He hasn't turned them down yet, but that idea just makes me nervous. We'll have to see.

I had my interview. It went pretty well. The doc there is super nice, as are the people at the front desk. It definitely sounds like the job I want. There's no benefits (not enough people), but they give a $100 bonus every month so their employees can get their own insurance. That's more than the other job is offering. It's stable, too (been in business for at least 17 years from what I've gathered), and that's a big plus. I'm supposed to hear back on Monday.

Mom's flying back in from North Carolina today. No, I didn't get to go because she changed her mind and bought a plane ticket instead. Apparently, she decided she didn't really want me to be there around all that, I guess. *scowl* But I got a call from her yesterday and all is well. She swears Ronnie had his surgery (he wouldn't let her go to the hospital, so she wasn't actually there), but considering he had no signs of surgery and was taking her and grandma out to dinner that same night, I think something fishy's going on. That, or there was a HUGE misunderstanding on mom's or grandma's part. Mom was like "Well, it may have been laser surgery..." Uh. No. I don't know if they CAN use laser surgery for a brain tumor, but even if they DID, he'd have to stay for at least a few days for observation... not taking his family to dinner hours after the supposed surgery took place! Ugh... my family's kooky, I swear.

Speaking of mom, today's her birthday. Unfortunately, they put her connection all the way on the other side of the Atlanta International Airport (huge airport...) from where she got off the first plane, so she didn't make it in time and has to wait for the next flight to Orlando. She should be back later tonight.

And... I think that's all.

I'm really tired of waking up every morning to rush to the bathroom. My stomach has been in knots off and on for the past week or two, and it's driving me insane. DBear's first thought was, of course, morning sickness. But since I just came off my cycle and I've been losing/maintaining weight... I'm not so sure. I know it's possible to have periods and still be pregnant, and that you don't neccessarily gain weight right at first, but it just feels like a stomach virus. We'll have to see.

It could be an overload of stress, too. I've been trying to keep calm with everything going on, but it just seems as though there's always a new source of stress waiting for me as soon as I get over another one. The more I think of it, the more I'm sure that's what's making me sick all the time lately.

Anywho, I need to finish getting ready (vet interview in about an hour), and find something to ease my tummy. I'll have an update later on other things (phone call from mom in NC, etc.)...

Arg... I've had the Jem and the Holograms theme stuck in my head for about a week now. Maybe if I play it, it will get unstuck. (Don't laugh, it's worked before.) Dang cheesy, catchy 80's music...

I got another interview. Yeah, I know I just got a job, but his one's for the position at the vet. It may just be kennel assistant, but dammit I want it. It pays about $300 a week (not the BEST pay, but I've had worse), has benefits (I believe... it's a vet clinic, so there better be benefits), and I get to have a real job working with animals. Much better than being on the phone all day trying to make commissions so I can get over $7 an hour. XP Wish me luck! (And thanks to those who wished me luck on my first interview... it worked! Maybe it'll work again? XD)

In other news... as you may or may not have heard, there's a permanent account sale going on. I'm glad I don't have the money for one, or I'd be tempted to buy one. But if it only takes $35 a year to get a paid account and 50 userpics, it would take over 4 years to pay for itself. For now I'll just stick to the $35 per year when I can afford it. It seems like so much less money to spend. I'm sure I'll fork over the cash for a year's paid account as soon as I get my first paycheck.

Well, the servers didn't want to cooperate. One got stuck at startup with a message saying basically "Inspecting hardware configuration..." and the other one just decided it didn't like any of my keyboards and kept whining about it... so it never got past start up, either. Bah.

I'm debating using them as parts... but if I build a computer, I want it to be l33t and I think these may be kinda old and, well, unl33t. :P On the bright side, one came with 2 extra 32MB RAM memory which was never installed. It may only be 64MB of RAM total, but that's 64 more I can add to my PC. (As well as the 256MB one I have yet to install from Christmas... I just hope I have enough slots for all of 'em.)

But, still, I'd really like to get these things up and running... if only to use them as extra storage space, at least. I tend to max out my HD's a lot, so that would be really helpful. (Yeah, I could just take out the hard drives and swap one for the one I am using now... but I was kind of hoping to get a switch and be able to switch between the two - or all three - whenever I needed. It'd be much easier than dissecting my PC every time I wanted to change hard drives.)

Boo.

It's very uplifting to go on an interview and have them tell you right after they're done that you're hired. *^^* I start Monday.

In other news, I have two servers lying around in the garage ("junk" from mom's work)... so I'm going to see if I can make any use of them. I've been itching to make a new computer from scratch, so if I can't put these to use, maybe I can at least use them for parts.

For those of you that read MegaTokyo, I'm feeling particularly Largo-ish at the moment. Let's just hope I don't blow anything up in the process. X)

Interview at 10:00am.

Wish me luck.

I really want to start collecting Pinky Street dolls, and I don't know why. But I just started to have this insane desire to start collecting them a few days ago, and it hasn't let up. (And, I'm sorry, but the Asuka one on that page is just too adorable. I want.) So when Dad asked for this year's birthday list, I pretty much gave him a small list of PS dolls I want (that I could find on eBay, anyway), and a couple of other things that I'll probably wind up with instead. :P (Sadly, the Asuka one is not on the list as I didn't see it on eBay, but I'll get her eventually.)

I considered collecting Pullips, but they're a little too pricey for me right now. When I get a really good job, maybe.

( Personality test )

In other news, to help Daniel along in his quest to become a writer, we're doing a story by e-mail. I sent him a few paragraphs, and he'll write a few, then I'll write some and so on. It should be interesting to see how this story turns out. Since I started it, I got to pick the genre (okay, we actually agreed on it beforehand) so it's fantasy, since we both like that. (He actually prefers sci-fi, but I'm not that big on it really.) So I pretty much just gave him a little background and introduced a random character. It'll be fun to see what he does with the guy. So, I guess, technically he's starting the story. Whatever. :P

Also, I'm going to go to the Florida Teach-In in June. Schools from all over the state will be there hiring teachers, so hopefully I'll get something from that.

Well, things are going much better. Daniel and I were both invited by Matt and Ana to go see Star Wars Episode III tonight, so I got to spend an unexpected evening with Daniel. I was nervous at first (this being the first time I'd seen him since all the heavy discussions started), but everything went surprisingly smoothly. We're still going to stick solely to e-mail and phone for the next month (aside from a last workout Monday, since I have to pick up my DVD, anyway), but it was great to see him tonight because I could actually see that he's doing okay and he still wants us to be together. While he'd told me that through e-mail (and, yes, I did believe him), somehow it's just so much more relieving to see that he's doing well and for him to tell me that in person.

Now, as for SW3... the acting wasn't that great and there were some scenes that DBear and I couldn't help but make fun of over dinner and on the way home. On the other hand, it was entertaining, and I never even realized that it was over 2 hours long. (Normally, I can't keep up with a sci-fi movie for more than 5 minutes, let alone 2 hours.... so that in itself is an achievement.) But still, it is sci-fi and I'm not a sci-fi kinda girl, so I can't give it a full 5 star rating or whatever... but I think it was the best of the three they've put out recently.

As for the rest of my day, I went out this morning and bought a bunch of interview clothes (which I badly needed), so now I have something to wear for Tuesday's interview(s? I may go to the other place Tuesday, too, and get everything done at once). I also managed to find the vet with Dad's help, and picked up an application, which I'll turn in Tuesday, as well.

Now time for bed.

I finally make 50 matching LJ icons and my paid account (and, thus, my extra user pics) is going to expire in a few days. I really need to time these things better. XD;;

Ah well. I'll probably buy a year of paid time and user pics when I get my job. And at least I get to keep my mood theme and layout. *^^*

Oh, yes, and DBear e-mailed and sounded cheery and, well, normal again. This is a good sign... a REALLY good sign. The past e-mails have worried me a little, and the initial conversation scared me witless. But I think things will be okay, so I'm feeling loads better. This time away may be a good thing. Just cause we're seperated for the time being, doesn't mean I have to assume the worst, so I won't. *nods*

I'm still finding myself out of sorts. I'll be happy for a while, then I start to feel oddly numb. Then I'm okay again. It's totally uncalled for. I know DBear and I aren't completely broken up... just kinda "seperated" for a while. We've just decided to stop seeing each other for the next month (except for Monday so I can get my exercise DVD back and maybe do one last workout with him for the time being) and see what happens from there. But it's like there's an ominous cloud hanging overhead. And it sucks.

I'm not depressed... just a little out of sorts. (Though, if we do break up for good after this, expect me to be gone for a while. I won't expose you all to an angst-fest because I hate that stuff. I'm not expecting that to happen, but giving fair warning just in case.)

Happier news! I have two interviews for next week, and I left a message for a third job, so hopefully I'll get a call back from them sometime. *^^*

I'm also going to apply for a position as a kennel assistant for (apparently) a veterinary clinic. This way I can get some more experience working with animals. I'm really hoping for this job. But when I went looking for the place so I could apply, I couldn't find it for the life of me because I was looking for a kennel (as it was advertised), and they had no number to call for the exact location. After getting home after over an hour of driving down the same road 50 or so times and never finding this "kennel," I get online and do a little research and find out it's really a vet. It would've been nice to say in the ad that it was a veterinary clinic hiring. I was looking for an animal shelter or something. It doesn't really matter, as I didn't see any veterinarian clinic, either. If I had, I would've checked with them. Meh. I'll have to go back and look tomorrow.

I was supposed to start volunteering on Thursdays with Rajah at The Haven - a place that takes care of sick, injured and homeless animals (they have every kind of animal you can think of there... cats, rabbits, turtles, owls, ducks... they even have an adorable baby fox, and you guys know how I adore foxes *^^*) - but I realized I need to focus on getting a paying job first so I can pay bills and relieve some stress between me and Daniel. Once I get a job, though, I do plan to volunteer there on some of my off days or after work hours. I really can't wait to do that. And if I get the vet job AND am able to volunteer here, I will be happy happy happy.

(The other plus side of volunteering is that it also gives me something to do with Raj. I haven't hung out with her in years, and she was my best friend for about 14 years. It's so sad... I really miss her. I really need to work on keeping in touch with people.)

Ugh, I just got that unhappy feeling again. I'm pathetic like that. It comes and goes without warning, but never lasts too long. DBear still e-mails and calls and tells me he loves me, so I should be happy. But the relationship is shaky now, so I guess it's making me nervous. Took me forever to get to sleep last night because I couldn't stop thinking and worrying. (If I give my mind a chance to wander, it will wander to unpleasant, worrisome, and generally icky things.)

I think I'll mess with photoshop or draw a little to cheer myself up so I don't get mopey. Other people have it way worse off than I do. There's hope yet for me. :P

This... is why I never ignore my gut.... you'll remember that late last night I posted that something horrible was going to happen. Well, it just happened.

Daniel and I are splitting up.

No, not for good. And, yes, we'll still e-mail now and then... I guess it's not even breaking up, really. More like a "hiatus" to gather our thoughts and deal with our private problems seperately, so we can be happier together.

It still hurts like hell, though, and I can't stop crying.

Ever get that ominous feeling in the pit of your stomach that something horrible is about to happen? I don't even have a reason for it, but it's scaring the heck outta me. It just hit like a lead weight and I don't know why.

Maybe I just need sleep...

Ahh, it's so fun finding ways around things you really don't wanna do. After all, why fork over the dough for an online hair makeover site thingy that you'll only use once or twice, when you have trusty ol' Photoshop at your disposal? *^^*

( Hair style test #1! )

Heh, I knew I wanted to update with something pertinent! (Now there's a word I don't use often...)

Does anyone know any good sites with - or have suggestions for - unique (preferably low-maintanence) hair styles for medium length hair? I'd like to get my hair cut to about shoulder length, give or take and inch or two. Last time I had simple layers, which looked pretty good. But I was thinking of doing something a little more unique this time. If I'm going to spend $50+ on my hair (again), I want something cool.

Color suggestions are welcome, too. (DBear had suggested blonde once, and I'm all for trying it... but I don't think I'd look that great. You tell me, pic is below.) I think I'd like to have something a little more than one solid color. Right now it's just plain old brown, too long (can't tell it's layered anymore) and flat-looking.

Let me know what you think, guys! Below are some pics of what I look like now, in case that'll be of any help.

( Pics )

I wish I could understand why I keep getting free razors in the mail. At this rate, I'll never have to buy replacement blades again.

Not that that's a bad thing...

Uhh, okay.... so I started kicking just to, um, see how high I could kick (I was bored), and on one of the kicks I somehow jumped while I was kicking. No, I didn't fall... I landed on the foot I kicked with... which was BAD. I had no shoes on, and landed on the HARD HARD HARD cement floor of my garage. To top it off, when I lost weight, I'd apparently lost some in my feet of all places (they look bonier now... very strange), so there isn't quite as much padding as there used to be on the bottom of my feet, I don't think.

Anyway the pain shot up to my ankle, so now the bottom of my foot and my ankle are throbbing. I'm wondering if it might have gotten jarred or strained or something. It's a miracle I didn't twist my ankle when I landed, though, so I'm thankful for that. *has weak ankles*

Still hurts like heck, though... ouch.......